apology

So I know you can decide if you want to read this or not, but I'm going to write it anyway. :)

I just want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry for bringing up my crazy emotions. I'm sorry for being angry that you might not reciprocate my feelings. That wasn't fair to you. I honestly didn't think the last day would be what it was. It's not fair for me to bring up my feelings for you, although I didn't think that was going to happen the way it did.

There are many things I'm unsure about, some wants, and things that I AM sure of. I kind of what to list them so you can know where I'm coming from. I realize I'm probably talking too much about this, but I feel I owe it to you for all the times I didn't tell you how I felt.

What I'm unsure about:
*Who I am (this will be ever changing, and I will always be learning and growing...ideally.)
*My communication skills in the past. I don't think I was fair to you, I think I was stubborn, and I am sorry for ever hurting you. I hope you know I didn't want to hurt you. I know I handled situations in an immature and horrible way.

What I want:
*For us to get to a place where we can either truly be platonic friends or truly be together (romantically).
*I want you and I to have trust in whatever relationship we maintain, whether a romantic relationship or friendship.
* I want to be able to have open communication with you, and not run away from my fears or feelings and leave you hurting.

What I'm sure about:
* I love you. I love how you make me feel, and how I feel about myself when I am with you.
* I love who you are, the energy and kindness you bring to the world, the little things about you that make you this wonderful man.
* I have always loved you, I think I tried to ignore it during our "off" times, but it kept creeping back. I just need you to know that I have always loved you no matter what my fears or doubts were.
* You are my best friend. Don't laugh, but I know this is true. I want us to be in each other's lives no matter what kind of relationship we have.
* The kind of love that we have is rare . I know we will meet other people along the path of life, but I am sure that our interactions are the most wonderful I have ever experienced.
* I need to work on not running away from my fears or making split decisions on an extreme emotion.

I think that sums part of it up. I feel as confused as you in some ways. Why now? Why do I want to be with you now? I'm not sure I can answer that, but I think it was a feeling in my gut that just knew. It hit me that this is it. This is life and I want you. And if the timing isn't right I get it, you know I do. Maybe the timing will never be right, and I hope it is. For some reason it hit me knowing that I had to be willing to do the work in this relationship, too. That I can't run and hide when I have doubts, that I need to learn how to trust my partners again in knowing they will be there for me.

I'm not asking or begging you to give me another chance, because I know there were many times I told you I didn't think our timing was right.

I don't even feel like I said what I meant here, but I just wanted to write out my thoughts.